Across the universe

Have you ever received a message from the universe? A little something that lets you know you're on the right path and to just relax a little and stop worrying so much about everything.

For example, about four and a half years ago, after I had already stopped heading down my original life path, taken a sharp right turn and found myself on a comfortable country road that was nice and all, but a little boring and with nothing to look forward to on the horizon, I decided to take the next exit and was quickly approaching the on-ramp to something completely different. It was an exciting time, but also scary. I'm a pretty confident person and I'm generally comfortable with change - you have to be when you grow up nomadically - but I tend to fear the unknown.

(Not that fearing the unknown is uncommon or anything, but with me it can manifest itself in strange ways. I find it difficult to even go into stores and restaurants that are new to me, especially if I am alone. What can I say? I am a dichotomy. Just like all humans.)

Anyway, back to my message from the universe.

One night I attended a focus group about...bottled water, I believe. (I have no problem with selling my opinions. People, you've seen my debt!) When I arrived, they handed me a clipboard with a whole bunch of papers on it and a "Hi, my name is" sticker. I filled out my sticker, stuck it on my sweater and settled in. Throughout the session we had to fill in the papers on our clipboard and hand them to the moderator. Well, when I handed the last paper over, I looked down at my now empty clipboard and there was an old sticker on it. It said, "Hi, my name is Tammy."

Now, I know that Tammy is not exactly a strange and unusual name. A little ditzy perhaps, but not unique. Still, I don't meet a lot of Tammys in my travels. So I took that discarded sticker as a sign from the universe that taking the highway was the right thing to do. And even if it WASN'T a mysterious message from the universe, it made me feel better about the decisions. And now, almost five years later, I can clearly see that it was absolutely the right decision, which only reaffirms my belief that it was indeed a message.

Well, this morning as we walked to the subway, the boyfriend got a message from the universe. Not that he's standing at a particular crossroads in his life or anything...that I know of. (I think I'd know. I hope I'd know!) But still, it's nice to get a pat on the back from the universe. At least, I think it is.

Oh ya, the message. We were crossing through some traffic parked at a stoplight and I noticed the license plate of a bright yellow car. The vanity plate read "Hey [insert the boyfriend's initials here]." I was excited, so I pointed it out to him. He placated me by acknowledging it, but I know it didn't mean the same to him that it did to me. But why else did I notice it? It was the only license plate that I looked at this morning. Maybe it was the yellow of the car that made me look? But we were also out the door at least 10 minutes earlier than we usually are...

Well, if he won't claim the message, I will. I'm choosing to believe that the universe was saying "Hey Tammy, that [insert the boyfriends initials here] is a pretty great guy. Hang on to him!" Ten-four, universe. Ten-four.

Total debt: $11,000 and change
Spent today: $2 (Having a hard time breaking the afternoon treat habit...)
Weekly total: $94.04 (I had a few bucks left over last week, so I believe that explains the extra.)

Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam

I miss TV. I mean, I miss new TV. I miss that Thursday morning feeling. You know the one. When you can hardly get out of bed, because it's almost the weekend, but not quite, and then you suddenly remember that there's a new episode of (choose your favourite from the following list:) Cosby, A Different World, Cheers, Friends, Seinfeld, ER, Ugly Betty, The Office, Grey's Anatomy. And your entire outlook on the day suddenly brightens. (Thursday has long been my favourite day of the week. I'm pretty sure that's entirely based on the television schedules throughout my life.)

I was particularly looking forward to the television season this year, because last year I made do with no cable. It was my year of living alone and there was no way I could fit both a bachelor apartment on a subway line AND cable into my budget.

So when September rolled around, I embraced all my old favourites and welcomed in some new ones. I loved having "appointment television" scheduled into my week.

Enter the strike.

Now, don't get me wrong! I wholeheartedly support the writers!! I think the new communication landscape requires new parameters. I just wish I still had something to get out of bed for on Thursday mornings. I want to watch Michael Scott say something offensive to a marginalized member of society. I want to see Pam and Jim make eyes at each other. I want to gaze upon both John Krasinski and Rainn Wilson, trying to decide who I love more.

My one saving grace during this time has been that drug called TV on DVD. My friend (let's call her my pusher) burned me a copy of the first season of Veronica Mars back in the fall, before things got ugly in Hollywood. I held off watching until just before Christmas. Kristen Bell was sassy and so very smart. Her best friend Wallace was charming and likeable. There was boy drama. There were some cute clothes. I was totally hooked. I could easily watch three, four, five episodes in a single sitting. I started to dream about Veronica Mars.

But suddenly it was over. They had found Lily's killer. I was released. But I needed another fix!

I tracked season two down at a video store one subway stop from home. Not too bad! And they had a deal where I could rent three of the discs for a week for $9. Suddenly I found room in the budget. I turned down outings with friends, I ignored the boyfriend, I could barely concentrate on work. I just wanted to get home, put on my loungey pants, and watch more.

TV on DVD is dangerous, particularly 1-hour series, because the ending of every episode is constructed to be SO good and SO filled with tension that you will not forget to tune in SEVEN DAYS LATER. So it's nearly impossible not to go on to the next episode RIGHT WAY, given the opportunity. It's kind of maddening.

Anyway, before I knew it, season two was over and it was only the second week of January! But I didn't get too antsy, because I knew there was one more season to go.

But the video store one subway stop from home doesn't have season three. Nor does the one that is near work. Nor does the one that is halfway between home and work. Nor does the one that isn't anyway near home or work.

I don't know what to do. I can't decide how often is too often to call the stores and ask if they've received it yet. And I'm hesitant to start a whole new series, because rentals can get pricey! (Not to mention the withdrawal...) If only I had a new episode of The Office to quench my extreme thirst!

I miss you Veronica Mars. I might have to cave and just read all the detailed episode recaps on televisionwithoutpity.com. And I might need a Dunder Mifflin mug to ease the pain.

Total debt: $11,000 and change
Spent today: $7.36 (groceries)

Come back to me

How can time sometimes pass sooo slowly? I mean, on a Saturday morning I can roll out of bed bright and early at 9am, make myself a smoothie, open the paper, blink a few times and suddenly it's 3:30pm. Then I shower and try to make my second day hair not LOOK like second day hair...and it's 9:15pm. Now, some of you may consider 9:15pm on a Saturday night just the beginning of your weekend debauchery, but I'm generally already in my loungey pants by then (or STILL in my loungey pants, depending on the day), thinking about what I'm going to have for breakfast on Sunday morning.

But apparently Tuesday afternoons is when the world makes up for all that super fast weekend time by ceasing to revolve at all. And on the last Tuesday afternoon in January, in particular, the world actually turns backwards just a little bit every moment that you aren't watching the clock. Admittedly, there weren't many of those moments this afternoon, but just enough to make the afternoon seem interminable.

Any idea what makes an interminable afternoon a little more palatable? Why chocolate, of course!

(There's been an unexpected side benefit to blogging about my spending issues. Suddenly I'm accountable for all the junk that I eat! Because I don't buy crap at the grocery store, except frozen yogurt, but the boyfriend and I have an addiction that cannot be curbed. Anyway, apparently January equals junk food to me. That's not good. And I shouldn't wait until February to stop! Although February is only a couple of days away...)

So, despite the fact that I had free lunch at our staff meeting today (pizza and salad), I paid a visit to my favourite vending machine and purchased a chocolate bar. And you know, the machine was a little on the empty side, so there were only three chocolaty things to choose from. So I picked the best of the three, but it wasn't what I would have picked if I'd gone out into the world and picked from a wider selection. So after I wolfed it... I mean, savoured it, I felt bad both about the empty calories AND about the wasted money.

How many times must I make the same mistake before I learn the lesson?

Anyway, the afternoon finally ended and I headed out to the movies with a friend from work. If you're thinking to yourself "How can she afford a movie? They're so expensive," I've got news for you:

I paid 4, count 'em 4 dollars to watch Atonement tonight. Isn't that brilliant!? You can hardly even buy a drink for $4 at the movies! You definitely can't rent a new release for $4. Sure the theatre was tiny - about 60 seats - but I don't need screens that are 5 storeys high or seats that were originally made for an airplane. I just need a great story, good actors, pretty costumes and gorgeous cinematography. And I got all of that for $4 tonight. Good times.

Dinner was some takeout sushi from Dominion, which is my favourite movie dinner. I used to eat the $6 nachos, but I began to wonder what the plastic cheese was doing to my innards...

The last Tuesday in January is done now. Thank goodness!

Total debt: $11,000 and change

Spent today: $13.79

Who could that attractive girl be?

Did everyone watch the SAG Awards last night? Or at least the red carpet, which is really the most exciting part for me. I love all the gowns and the jewels. It seems like it would be very fun to get that fancy. And it was totally raining out, but nobody had frizzy hair. How is that possible? Must be the magic of Hollywood.

Back in my performing days, I used to dream about attending a big awards show. I never wanted to be really famous. I wouldn't thank you for putting my face on multiple magazine covers or for disclosing my location to a posse of paparazzi. I just wanted to be famous enough to get free dresses to wear to awards shows. Oh, and a free makeup artist and hairdresser - preferably one that has a can of the magic, frizz-guard hairspray. And George Clooney as my date! (Don't tell the boyfriend...)

Speaking of wanting to be someone I'm not, I saw a woman in the most spectacular outfit this evening. Her black pencil skirt was perfectly paired with black knee-high boots that had subtle gathered detailing around the tops, just enough to make them look interesting rather than cookie-cutter. Her wool winter jacket (clearly made for style, not warmth) was also black, double-breasted and belted at the waist, with a large, folded over collar. Very Jackie O. And to complete the look - leopard print gloves. She looked divine! Except she was holding a cigarette in one hand, which could look chic to some, but just looked like smelly, smelly cancer to me.

Still, the envy I felt penetrated my four-and-a-half year old puffy black coat (warm, not cute) and my three-year-old H&M sweater, which I only paid $24.50 for to begin with and that is starting to bald a little at the elbows, right through to my fashion-conscious heart. When will I get to be the girl with the perfect outfit - right down to the gloves?

Or should I find a way to be okay with what I've got, balding sweaters and all?

Total debt: $11,000 and change

Spent today: $1.45 (Since when did Easter Cream Eggs become so expensive!?)

The hidden costs of brunch

One of the most difficult things about sticking to a budget, besides never having that "new shirt" sort of feeling, is finding ways to visit with friends that don't break the bank. Luckily I have never been one to bond with people over pricey cocktails at trendy hot spots. Don't get me wrong - I like the idea of getting dressed up, going to a bar and blithely purchasing several fabulous martinis in a row, each more fancy and expensive than the last. But I just can't fathom dropping $40, $50, $75, $100 on booze. In one night. The mere thought of it makes me sort of woozy. And not in a good way.

But what better way to pass time during the blahness of January than by visiting with people that you never get to see enough of. So if you look in my agenda, you'll see a whole lot of coffee dates penciled in. Providing I can avoid the chai lattes, I can have a tea, a cookie and a great catch-up session for under $4. And if I could put a price on all the good these dates do for my heart and soul, I would be back in the black in no time flat.

As much as I love a coffee date, there's something even better and that is brunch. It is, by far, my favourite restaurant meal. And if you don't go crazy, it can be pretty economical. So this morning I crawled out of my warm bed and headed downtown. It was my turn to choose a spot and I picked someplace completely new to both my friend and me. The menu online looked a little on the pricey side, but it also looked too delicious to pass up. I figured I could swing it.

Everything was amazing! From our cozy little table in an alcove by the window to the complimentary plate of banana bread that came before our meals. And, of course, our breakfasts were pretty spectacular. Then the bill came.

Let's just say, we were a bit surprised. I chose one of the least expensive items on the menu at $9 and, when prompted by our server, opted for a half salad, half frites on the side. He failed to mention that having half and half would cost an extra $2. The rudest awakening, though, was the price of my teabag and hot water - $3!! I guess I only have myself to blame, since I should have checked the menu, but next time I'm bringing a tea bag from home! Seriously.

I can't say I won't go back, because the food was just so good and I'm desperate to try just about everything else on the menu, but I'll be a little more careful next time. I also can't say that I'm sorry I went, because on top of the yummy food, there was also wonderful conversation. All in all, an excellent way to start the day.

Had to stop at the grocery store on the way home, though, because I can't seem to remember everything I want for the week in one trip.

Total debt: $11,000 and change
Spent today: $24.99

I guess this is goodbye old pal, you've been a perfect friend

After more than three years of being a "Big Sister," I saw my "Little Sister" for the last time today. There are several reasons why I chose to end the match, but I don't think this is the place to talk about them. Instead I will tell you how our last afternoon together led me to believe that doing things the real, old-fashioned way is just a whole lot better.

Today we made cupcakes. But rather than buy a box of cake mix and a tub of icing, I pulled a cookbook off my shelf this morning and picked out an actual recipe. Double fudge cupcakes. I rifled through my pantry, taking stock of what I had, and then made a shopping list. When we got to the grocery store, my "Little" was in charge of the list.

She is a sweet, shy 12-year-old, who has always struggled with reading. Over the years I tried actually reading with her, using comic books to entice her. In general it proved to be a pretty trying event for both of us. She would fidget and stall, giving up quickly whenever she came to a word she didn't know. In the beginning I would cave all too easily, believing I could teach her something just by telling her the words. Truthfully though, I just didn't have the patience to wait for her to figure things out for herself.

Slowly I found ways to sneak reading into our visits, either by playing Hangman on the subway or bringing her articles about Hilary Duff - one of her favourites. And by baking with her. The rule was that she had to read the recipe if she wanted to make something. And that never seemed to be a problem.

At some point in our baking adventures, I realized that she was doing all the reading and I was doing all the baking. So I tried to relinquish a little control and handed over some of the jobs to her. I still remember how timid she was when she cracked her first egg, terrified of doing it wrong. With my reassurance, she gained a little confidence. And I gained a little more patience.

This afternoon it was almost entirely her show. I supervised from the sidelines as she read each step in the recipe out loud, found the right measuring cups, found the right ingredients and made cupcakes and icing from scratch. (Okay, I may have chopped and melted some chocolate, but only because I wanted to return her to her mom in one piece.) She creamed butter and sugar, she sifted cocoa, and she broke three eggs like a pro. Not to mention the fact that she only struggled with a handful of words in the recipe.

And the cupcakes are delicious!

A mix would have been less expensive - I probably could have bought the mix and the icing for the amount I paid for just the butter - and it would have been faster. But the extra money that I spent on fresh ingredients and the three and half hours it took was what I needed to realize that the 9-year-old girl that I first met has become a smart, competent, confident young woman who has taught me the value of letting someone else steal the show. I only hope I managed to teach her half as much.

A few extra items on my grocery list, plus $5 to supplement a taxi coupon that I had (The weather was bad!), and a 99 cent song purchase on iTunes. That's where my money went today.

Total debt: $11,000 and change
Spent today: $34.50-ish

It was in me all along

In the basement of my apartment building, just outside the laundry room, there is a magical table. On this table, seemingly out of the blue, lovely, glossy mags appear. It's so awesome. Occasionally there will be a whole stack! Everything from the Canadian fashion mags to Toronto Life to Vanity Fair and Vogue. Also a lot of decor mags. (I think they come from the local TV personality that lives in the building.) Often they are a few months behind, but every now and then I'll stumble across something that's still on the newsstand. It's my favourite part about doing laundry, which is really the only reason I have to go to the basement.

I had high hopes this evening. Or, rather, slightly desperate hopes. My winter blues are gaining strength as the deep freeze continues. Knowing that I was heading home to an empty apartment - the boyfriend was working late - I felt the pull of the mall. I needed a pick me up! What could it hurt?

Wow. That sounds so familiar. I'm pretty sure that was my mantra for a really long time...which explains why I'm in this predicament. Time to change my thinking. Spending money does NOT equal happiness.

Anyway, back to the magic table. I had been avoiding a few loads of laundry all week long. Towels and sheets and stuff. So I put aside my blues, grabbed the detergent, and headed downstairs.

Nothing. Well, not nothing, but just a few uninspired, not very glossy mags. And many Avon catalogues.

But here's the funny thing. Since there were no lovely mags to devour, I had to fill the time between laundry loads with something else. So I cleaned the kitchen and changed the sheets and made pancakes for dinner. (People, I'm suffering from the blues. Let me eat my pancakes in peace!) And at some point I started to feel better. And now I feel pretty good, plus the apartment is much cleaner. And when I remember the fact that I didn't go to the mall and randomly spend money on something that I didn't really need, just because I was feeling a bit down, I feel kind of great.

Let's hope I can remember this feeling.

I had lunch out today with some of the wonderful women that I work with. (And one who was coming back to visit from her new job.) Mine was a huge portion of very tasty Tamarind Chicken. And I ate the whole thing. (See yesterday's post.)

Total debt: $11,000 and change
Spent today: $9.95

I think I have a hollow leg

I seem to be ravenous lately. Suddenly the lunch and snacks that I bring to work just aren't cutting it. Maybe it's my body telling me that it's flippin' cold outside, so I need an extra layer of blubber to stay toasty. Or maybe it's the damned seasonal affective disorder flaring up again. Whatever it is, it caused me to spend a few dollars today, to supplement my supplies. The cheese bun complemented my big, hearty salad nicely. And the cookies? Well, let's just say "Yummy" and leave it at that.

The good news of the day is that the freelancing dry spell has finally been broken. I got a new assignment today, so by the end of February there will be an extra loan payment. Hooray! And I still have lots of lures in the lake, so my fingers are firmly crossed that more jobs will come.

Since tomorrow is Friday, my budget for the week officially resets. It was a pretty good week - thanks to you guys! In no time at all, you have become the angels on my right shoulder, easily overpowering the devil on my left. I came in just under my allotted $90.

Total debt: $11,000 and change

Spent today: $3.29

Weekly total: $86.30

It's a fine, fine line

Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between want and need.

For about a year, I worked in a job that provided me with a veritable cornucopia of free stuff. Everything from a pair of jeans, to fancy designer sunglasses, to a pair of boots. But mostly I received cosmetics and toiletries. Lots of it. Many of it of a much higher quality (or price point, anyway) than I would normally buy. And every once in a while, I would receive something truly great. Enter the cuticle balsam...

Some background for you. I do not have nice nails. My nailbeds are very short and wide. As wide as my fingers. Growing my nails long in any way only draws more attention to their remarkable width. Seriously. I once went to have fake nails put on for an important performance exam in theatre school (which I almost failed, because I spent more time thinking about getting fake nails and what I would wear than actually preparing the songs) and I was convinced that the woman was magically going to make my nails look as beautiful as my mother's nails are naturally. Instead, she took one look at my hands and exclaimed: "Your nails are so wide! I have to use my second widest tip on your index finger!" My self-esteem has never recovered.

The only time I feel good about the appearance of my fingers is when my nails are short and my cuticles are tidy and moisturized. Not an easy feat, particularly during an Ontario winter. The constant handwashing and dry weather make my cuticles all raggedy and ravaged. That, in turn, makes me feel like I should sit on my hands rather than wave them around like a game show hostess, which is a big part of my normal manner of speaking.

One day at this old job, I received something called cuticle balsam in a package of nail care items. I was intrigued. You just brush a little bit onto each cuticle, wait 30 seconds or so, and then massage it right in. (It's oil-free, so you don't have to worry about removing it before putting polish on. Not that I polish my short, wide nails. Ew.) My cuticles had never looked so good! I became an addict, using it every night before bed and every time I gave myself a manicure. The difference was instantaneous and amazing.

I even brought it with me to NYC last January, because I had to attend a fancy awards show for work and wanted to look my best. It would be the last time I would enjoy the satisfying feeling that well-manicured fingers can bring. Packed in an outside pocket of my luggage, the bottle was shattered during my return flight. The mess in my suitcase couldn't compete with the mess in my heart.

It's been about a year now and I have yet to stop thinking about the cuticle balsam. Despite the fact that I have other, decent cuticle products (also free), they just don't measure up. (Inadvertent Project Runway-ism there. I missed it on Monday night, so now I have to wait until Sunday. Sad.) So I decided to track it down and find out how much it costs in the real world, where you don't get it for free.

Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen. $19.95!! For a small jar. Twenty dollars. Do you know what I could do with twenty dollars? I could go to a movie AND have a snack at Tim Hortons. I could purchase at least three things that I need at the drugstore. And I could buy A LOT of bananas.

However, the balsam was an undeniably superior product to everything else that I've used. Isn't quality worth more? But wouldn't I be doing myself a grave injustice if I dug my hole of debt deeper by $20 for a bottle of cuticle balsam? A product that I may feel I need and I know I definitely want, but only because I have this warped idea that my ragged cuticles somehow make me less of a beautiful person?

You'll be happy to know that I have been living without the balsam for a good year now and have no intention of going back to it. Unless I win the lottery, and then it's balsam for everyone.

Total debt: $11,000 and change
Spent today: $10.20 (Foodstuffs and toilet paper, which was on sale.)

Stop spreading the news

Despite the fact that February is the shortest month of the year, February 2008 is offering up something extra special. It is a three paycheck month. (Cue the fanfare and the choir of angels!) With the very first and very last day of the month falling on Friday, we also get a middle Friday. Considering that spring is still so very far away, can you think of a better gift at this time of year? Okay, the new Family Day holiday is also good, but I'm going to vote for money over time right now.

When I realized that this was the case (I figured it out back in December - I like to plan ahead!), I started contemplating what I should do with the extra paycheck. And it came to me right away! The boyfriend and I should take a trip to New York City. You see, I've been twice and he's been twice, although both times for work, but we've never been together. Plus our third anniversary is coming up at the beginning of April, so it would be the perfect time. The trees in Central Park would be in bloom, we could explore the museums together, see a show...

Once he seconded my idea, I started looking into it right away. I found a good flight/hotel deal that would give us four nights for just over $800 each. The excitement began to build! I pulled out my guidebook and looked up a few things that I didn't get to see before. I talked about it everyday. I officially put it on my "Something to look forward to" list.

But then, reality set in. And reality came to me in the form of this blog. How can I truly say I am attempting to pay off this debt if I use something as beneficial as an extra paycheck to go on vacation? I would be a big old liar. And I really don't like liars.

Instead, I will use that extra money towards the debt mountain, making it a little more manageable in the process. We may still try to get away for a couple of days in April, but at a much more affordable price.

You see how you are all rubbing off on me? My nature is to please people, so I want to please all of you and make you proud. There will be plenty of time for vacations when I'm back in the black, right?

Meanwhile, another good day today! I only parted with money for some bananas and some shave gel (on sale!). I would have bought toilet paper, but I think I can get a better deal somewhere else, so I'll leave that for tomorrow. (Don't worry, there's still a roll or two in the house... plus tissues.)

Total debt: $11,000 and change
Spent today: $2.53

A little less of a good thing

It's come to my attention that my blog should probably be a little fuzzier around the edges. That putting so much of my financial situation on the World Wide Web could potentially lead to something akin to that mid-90's Sandra Bullock vehicle, "The Net." (Oooo...I just looked up the movie on IMDB and the tagline is "Escape is impossible when you're caught in the net." A double entendre! Beautiful.) However, that being said, I am already enjoying the act of blogging and the way it makes me examine what I spend. So I'm still going to give you guys specific dollar amounts of what I spend each day, but I'm going to make my actual loan total a little less exact. I'm afraid that may take the edge off of the drama I'm trying to create, but sometimes edge must be sacrificed for practical reasons. Besides, considering I only make payments on my loan every two weeks or so, I could be overestimating the dramatic components of these missives on the whole...

Anyway, I decided today would be "Buy Nothing Monday," and have therefore managed not to purchase a single thing all day. (Hooray for me!) Considering that our kitchen is full of groceries and that I managed to entertain myself during lunch hour by going to the gym, which I've already paid for, it wasn't all that difficult.

Still, my early morning did bring the end to a number of items that I use on a regular basis. First it was my shave gel, then it was the soap, then I noticed that we're down to the last few rolls of toilet paper and we're out of Q-tips. Plus we only have two bananas left and we both eat a banana with our breakfast every morning. To top it all off, I somehow leaned on our wooden drying rack and cracked the damn thing right in half!

Now, I know that a drying rack is not as essential as, say, shave gel (I am hirsute. I cannot tell a lie.), but we do have a lot of clothes that don't go in the dryer, so we use it every week. And since the dryers in our building SUCK, we often have to lay out the rest of our clothes, which are still damp after an hour's ride in the dryer for $1.50, on all of the other available surfaces in the apartment. Then they need time to dry, so we leave them overnight...then we go to work...and then we're starving when we get home, so we make dinner...then we sit down to blog...and then the cat curls up on our clean clothes for a bath and a nap. So, the drying rack does come in handy for the dark clothes that like to retain cat hair.

All this to say that money will need to be spent in the next few days, so don't congratulate me on my frugality just yet.

Alas, I'm off for my second gym visit of the day. This time it's yoga, so it's not like I'm Superwoman or anything. It's just something to do until the writers get the money they deserve and get on with entertaining me. (I mean, something to do that isn't folding laundry...)

Total debt: Just over $11,000

Spent today: $0

Wake me up come spring

Nothing was going to go right today.

I was sort of ridiculously exhausted this morning, but dragged myself out of bed anyway, because I had somewhere I had to be. The last thing in the world that I wanted to do was get dressed and head out into the -23 degree windchill, but I am not one to shy away from obligations. So, a subway, a bus and a walk later, I arrive at the necessary destination only to discover that the person that I am there to see has completely forgotten about our engagement and is out of town. Big sigh.

Back I go - walk, wait for bus, bus ride and a subway ride. I arrive home and mope around for a bit, until I decide (with much encouragement from the boyfriend) to go to the 1:30pm yoga class at the gym. We make plans to meet afterwards so we can visit the brand new Book City location in our neighbourhood. Off I go, back into the freezing cold, to the gym where the regularly scheduled programming has been interrupted for some sort of fitness free-for-all. They're sampling all the different types of classes they offer by doing 20 minutes of each class in a row. A fitness-apalooza, if you will.

Now I have a bit of a dilemma. I have dressed for a yoga class followed by a short jaunt, meaning that I am wearing a sports shirt with a built-in-bra that can withstand downward dogs, but not much bouncing of any kind. I am also wearing my old running shoes, since I was intending to be barefoot during the fitness portion of my trip, and knee socks rather than athletic socks, so that I would be a bit warmer outside. However, the gym is halfway between home and the Book City, so it seems dumb to turn back at this point. And, to top it all off, I don't have my phone with me, so I can't call to make our meeting time earlier or anything.

None of these things would have bothered me normally, but it's January. And I am seriously seasonally affected at this time of year. Forget the fact that we had a blue sky, sunshiney day today! I was on the verge of tears for most of it. And when I didn't want to cry, I just sat around feeling nothing. For no good reason at all. SO frustrating!

And you know what helps with the winter blues? Why buying things, of course! Here are the things that I contemplated buying today:
A very large chocolate bar (One of the PC ones.)
A DVD rental (I really want to see "Once.")
At least four different books (Including "The End of the Alphabet," which looked really intriguing.)
The current issues of Glamour, Allure (SJP on the cover! She was so cute on Project Runway last week.), Toronto Life, and Vogue.





What I actually did buy:
10 Timbits
A bottle of water

What I didn't consider buying, but would have if I had money and a reason to wear it:
A gorgeous teal blue dress in the window of Want. Perfect outfit for a summer garden wedding!

Oh, and I did manage a very gentle 40 minutes on the cross trainer, which is better than nothing, I suppose. And I will hopefully make it until spring. Fingers crossed...

Total debt: $11, 000 and change
Spent today: $2.48

All's fair in love and money

Since I'm being so honest about my tenuous relationship with money, I thought you guys should know a bit more of the story. You see, as bad as it is to owe $11,000+, I was in a much worse position not that long ago.

When I finished my post-grad program, I had two loans. One was for $7,000+ and one was for $14,000+. But the real problem I was having was dealing with my $8000 line of credit. I wasn't struggling with my credit card, but that was only because my line of credit was attached to my interac card. Why mess with the middle man when you can go right to the source? Anyway, I was making small payments on both my loans and big payments on my line of credit, because it had the highest interest rate. The trouble was that I didn't stop USING my line of credit. So I'd pay it down a bit and it would shoot right back up. It was a total crutch and I couldn't seem to make it through the month without charging all sorts of stuff on it.

Most of the time I would go about my life with my head happily buried in the sand. I didn't think about my debt and it didn't think about me. But every once in a while I would look up and suddenly realize that there was no end in sight. I would become so overwhelmed by the bleak image of my financial future and promptly break down. Now, those of you who know me personally know that I am pretty damn happy almost all of the time. In fact, I have been known to annoy people with my unwaveringly sunny disposition. But these realizations would reduce me to a depressed, blubbering mess. And the lovely man that is my partner in crime would offer to give me a loan to help me out.

And I said no. Several times. Come on, can you think of a WORSE idea!? I may not have learned about interest rates until very recently, but I'm pretty sure I picked up the "money and love don't mix" lesson in the schoolyard a long time ago.

But then one day, at the end of my tether, I tentatively said yes. But before I accepted the cheque, I wrote up a detailed document giving both of us opportunities to back out of the agreement at any time, as well as a payment schedule. People, if you saw our agreement, you would assume that I took a detour to law school at some point. I mean, there were places where we had to INITIAL things!

This was the deal: He would give me an interest free loan to pay off my line of credit. I would pay him a small amount every month, so I could concentrate the majority of my money on my bigger loans. When I'm done with the loans, I can make larger payments on what I still owe him.

It was a major turning point for me. Not only has my line of credit remained at $0 since then, but I was finally able to see the light. And I've never missed a single payment to him. And, as far as benefactors go, he's a dream. He never bats an eye if I come home from Joe Fresh with a new $8 t-shirt and he never makes me feel bad if I slip-up. (Except when I buy those pricey chai lattes! That one just sticks in his craw for some reason.)

Now some of you might be wondering why he doesn't just pay it all off for me. Since my future is his future and vice versa, wouldn't it make sense? And there's only one answer to that question: Absolutely Not. He had his own student loans and he struggled through his own payments, so why should he have to take on mine? Sometimes I'm pretty sure that he thinks that I think he should pay off all my loans. But here's the absolute truth:

I got myself into this mess and I want to get myself out. I like to imagine myself as a strong, independent, smart woman who did something dumb. And being a strong, independent, smart woman, I am more than capable of fixing it.

Now, that's not to say that I don't reserve the right to daydream that some wealthy relative that I've never heard of will pass away peacefully in her sleep and suddenly leave me thousands of dollars! (That is only one of my far-fetched money fantasies.) But in the meantime, I just keep making payments and imagine the day when it will finally all be gone. And how good I will feel about myself when that day comes.

Anyway, my point of this entry was to admit to all of you that I'm not entirely alone on this road to financial freedom. Someone did offer me some much-needed help along the way. And I'm not only grateful, but so glad that I took it.

Today's expenditure was all about groceries and some wine, because we're having friends over for dinner tonight. WAY cheaper than going out to eat!

Total debt: $11, 000 and change
Spent today: $51 and change

Earning my keep

Today is that glorious day of days - payday!

Oh how I love payday. I think I love it even more than the average working person, because for so many years my paydays were erratic, to say the least. I had a general idea of when they were going to be, but never really knew how much money I was going to get. Such are the paydays of the self-employed artist. At my last job I was paid on the 15th and 30th of each month, which doesn't sound confusing, but it was. When you are a planner like me, it's much easier to know that every second Friday will involve an influx of cash into your bank account.

Of course, there is a downside to knowing exactly how much money you will be receiving every second Friday. There's no surprise. No cause to daydream that this could be the week you land a speaking part in a nationally televised commercial, and thus receive a huge windfall of glorious money. Or, better yet, a part in a SERIES of nationally televised commercials, which would allow you to bring your balance back up to zero, take a vacation and consider buying real estate in Toronto. There's none of that. But I'm going to play the tortoise in this scenario and will myself to believe that slow and steady wins the race.

Anyway, payday is the perfect time to give you all a better idea of how I spend my money, without actually drawing up a little chart and filling in all the dollar figures. Believe me - it's hard enough to bare my student loan balance online, you don't need to know all the ins and outs of my financial situation. Basically I divide all of my expenses up into the two paydays I get every month. The first payday of the month is when I pay my bills and the second payday is for my rent and my subway pass. There are a few things that happen every payday: my gym payments (because they come out every two weeks), my loan payments (a big one on the first payday and a smaller one on the second), and my food/living money. That last one is what you guys will hear about. My budget (and believe me, this thing is airtight, with no room for wiggling) allows me $90 per week for groceries/sundries/fun. I can't even trust myself with the whole $180 for the two weeks - too tempting! - so I transfer half of it to my high-interest savings account until the following Friday.

So, when you see my tally of what I've spent that day at the bottom of each post, it will be money coming out of my $90 for that week. Unless I have a psychotic break and charge something to my credit card, which I promise to confess!

Therefore, today being the second payday of the month, I made a $250 payment on my loan and I started the grocery shopping. I was very tempted to nip out this afternoon and get myself a little payday treat, but after Care's lesson in confirmation bias (See the comment section of yesterday's post.), I held tight to my purse strings.

Total debt: $11,000 and change
Spent today: $20.09

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry

Winter can be a very expensive time, simply because you can’t just hang around outdoors unless you are dressed to do so. And wearing long johns all day at work, under my jeans, is not a comfortable idea. Let me explain…

I like to try to get away from the office during my lunch hour. I pack my lunch 98% of the time, like the good little budgeter that I am, and I eat it at my desk upon my return from whatever adventure I embark on. Well, in the summer that adventure can be as simple as taking my (library) book to the park across from my office and enjoying the sunshine from the safety of a shaded bench. You see – free and enjoyable! However, the other 9.5 months require a little imagination on my part.

Quite often I end up in the Toronto underground, idly browsing from store to store. I’m quite a good browser and don’t often feel the urge to purchase, particularly when I’m in a good headspace and firmly on track with my budget. However, January is the month of DEEP discounts. It is also the month of feeling blah. Combine a blah feeling and a sale price and suddenly I find I HAVE to have yet another cowl-necked sweater. This one in purple. Thus I am trying to avoid retail stores at the moment.

*Side note*
My boyfriend asked me to run an errand for him at Eaton Centre yesterday. I called him from the mall and asked why he disliked me so much. There were Sale signs EVERYWHERE! And a smattering of new spring merchandise in some stores. It was torture.
*Side note over*

Another way I pass the time is by browsing the latest magazines at my fave nearby mag store. It’s one of those great stores where no one gives you the fish eye for loitering and not buying anything. And, as I have mentioned, I love glossy mags. However, they tend to overheat this particular store to the nth degree, making it uncomfortable to hang out in my down-filled jacket. (Hmmm…maybe they aren’t so keen on people not buying things…)

So today I came up with a great idea! I decided to find the closest Toronto Public Library branch. You see, I love a library! Probably not surprising, given my penchant for pretty sentences and published tomes. I especially love a library with a periodical section, which would allow me to read the latest mags sans my winter jacket and – most importantly – for free! Turns out, the library was a lot closer than I thought, so I headed out at noon, excited and pleased at my ingenuity.

I arrived at the branch at approximately 12:10pm, grabbed the door handle and pulled. Locked. Locked? I noticed the hours stenciled to the door. On Thursdays, this location doesn’t open until 12:30pm! Have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous? What was I going to do?

I’ll tell you what I did, although I’m not proud of it. I went to Starbucks for a tea and a cookie, which I paid for by interact, leaving a whole $1 in my bank account until payday tomorrow. I was dejected and I turned to consumption and a cookie to comfort me. I’m not perfect people. I’m just…not.


Total debt: Just over $11,000
Spent today: $3.52

A watched inbox never...

As I mentioned in my last post, one of the methods I use to chip away at my $11,000+ loan is to do a bit of freelance writing. Mostly articles for women's websites and magazines. They aren't groundbreaking exposes on crack babies who grow up to run sweatshops or anything. Generally they are about health and fitness. Or food. Or beauty and fashion stuff. Not Pulitzer material, but they are fun to write and it's the sort of stuff I spend a lot of time reading, so I don't find the process very taxing.

Recently most of the commissions I've received are for the web, which is fine by me, except that the web just doesn't pay as well as magazines. If a big consumer mag picks up your idea, they're going to pay you $1 a word or so, but a website is only going to give you 35-50 cents per word. So lately I've been concentrating on trying to sell some stories to magazines. I have written several query letters on fresh ideas and sent them out into the world.

[insert sound of crickets here]

Nothing. For almost two weeks now, my little gmail icon has remained faint and unobtrusive in the bottom corner of my screen. I'm getting NO emails. Well, okay, I am getting a few odd emails, but nothing to do with any of the fabulous article ideas that I have pitched. And I'm getting frustrated.

There's one magazine in particular who followed up with me first thing in the new year and asked me to send writing samples. Like the good little freelancer that I am, I sent them off promptly. Less than a week later - too soon, really, but I couldn't take the anticipation anymore - I sent a follow up email to ensure that they received the samples. The only response I received was a very short one - yes. No indication about whether they liked the samples or if my story is still being considered. Just yes. Sigh.

Anyway, I suppose the only thing to do is step away from my computer for a while, so that I'm not being mocked by the stupid gmail symbol.

I was about to end this post by boasting that I managed not to spend any money today, which isn't really surprising since I worked from home and only left the apartment to pick up my mail, but the truth is that I ordered Harry Potter V on pay-per-view. So while I didn't spend any of the $3-ish that I have left in my budget until Friday, I did manage to spend future money. I have no good excuse - I just love HP.

Total debt: Just over $11,000
Spent today: $5.99

Confession Time

Here's the truth: No one ever taught me about money.

I got my first job at 11 years old delivering flyers for the aptly named Flyer Force. Yes, I filled mailboxes with junk mail. In fact, I even spent about six months dumping my flyers in a gorge in the woods (along with all the other kids in town) rather than delivering them. Sadly, that's still the worst thing I've ever done in my life. I really have to work on cultivating my dark side.

Anyway, the point is that I got a paycheck every two weeks. And what did I do with that paycheck? Well, I developed a meaningful relationship with the mall. And magazines. Glossy magazines full of pretty women in stylish clothes.

So, when I graduated to wearing a turquoise visor while serving sandwiches at an orange-tiled restaurant called Pic-Nic, I started spending those paychecks on clothes. It was 1990, so I'm fairly certain I purchased a pair of stirrup pants or two with some of that money.

And when I finally hit the motherload - namely a job as a sales associate at Suzy Shier - I used those paychecks to pay for the clothes that I got at 20 percent off. At no point during this, my early contributions to society, did anyone say to me: "Tammy, you should really consider saving some of that money, because one day you're going to want to go away to school. And school costs a lot of money. And we're not going to pay for it."

Okay, it's true. I blame my parents. There are many things that I have forgiven them for, such as not enrolling me in dance as a child, giving away my barbies when I hadn't even turned ten yet, and multiple home perms, but this one I can't let go of. How was I magically supposed to know that three years of college was going to cost me $15,000?

The best part? My diploma was in MUSIC THEATRE PERFORMANCE!

Can you hear me sigh? It's a bittersweet sigh, full of happy memories and very few loan payments. I performed professionally - meaning tours of children's shows, summerstock and a stint on a cruise ship - for five years. Leaving that life was a huge decision, but let's not get into that right now. When I finally walked away, after that rather lucrative, sequined job on the ship, I still had about $7000 left on those loans. Five years later!

Here we insert the REALLY dumb portion of my financial life. The two years that I worked as a receptionist/admin assistant for a unionized arts organization. I have no good excuse for this phase. Fact is, I was making a decent amount of money and living in a dirt cheap apartment. I also still had that love of glossy magazines and pretty clothes. Plus a well-exercised credit card. Or two.

Let's fast-forward, shall we? In 2004 I went back to school for a one year post grad degree in Book and Magazine Publishing. (I thought I could translate my love of glossy mags into a job at a glossy mag.) To do so, I reopened my original loan PLUS I borrowed another $9000. Now, if you're chuckling to yourself, it's because you know how piddly starting wages are in the publishing world. WHY am I so stubborn as to follow my passions? When will I start following the money!?

This brings us to now. I am almost three years into my publishing career and I've managed to pay off some of the debt. (Thanks, in part, to a lovely and generous boyfriend who has provided me with an interest-free loan for a big chunk of what I owe.) My current bank debt is...drum roll please... $11, 270.90. Currently my budget (Yes! I finally learned to budget!!) has me paying $800 a month on that debt. A handy student loan calculator tells me that I should be able to pay that off in 1 year and 3 months. I'm hoping I can do it by the end of 2008.

How, you ask?

Well, luckily I have something I can sell! Pretty sentences. Yes, I do my best to pick up freelance writing gigs whenever possible. Sometimes I just need a bit of motivation and inspiration when it comes to ideas.

I also need to make sure I stick to my budget, for better or for worse. Which is partly where the blog comes in. I'm hoping that writing about my wants will stop me from actually giving in to them. Everything from a new pair of boots to the insanely priced, but oh-so-yummy chai lattes at Starbucks.

Why do I care so much about getting rid of this debt? Basically, I've finally found a career and a guy that I'm ready to grow old with. And I want all the things that are supposed to happen after those two things fall into place. But, for the first time in my life, I don't want to rush blindly ahead without thinking about what I will need once I get there.

So, here goes...